Affirming Self-Identification

The Name Jar, by Yangsook Choi:
Story synopsis: 
Being the new kid in school is hard enough, but what about when nobody can pronounce your name? Having just moved from Korea, Unhei is anxious that American kids will like her. So instead of introducing herself on the first day of school, she tells the class that she will choose a name by the following week. Her new classmates are fascinated by this no-name girl and decide to help out by filling a glass jar with names for her to pick from. But while Unhei practices being a Suzy, Laura, or Amanda, one of her classmates comes to her neighborhood and discovers her real name and its special meaning. On the day of her name choosing, the name jar has mysteriously disappeared. Encouraged by her new friends, Unhei chooses her own Korean name and helps everyone learn to pronounce it.

I love a dining table set with place cards, written with your name and where to sit. One reason I love place cards at the dining table is that it feels fancy.  Place cards take away the confusion, allows one to sit without the awkwardness, and allows for your name to be known and claimed.  

Our names don't just do the job of signaling things about ourselves to other people; our names can also be a vital expression of your own individual identity, representing a connection to our family, our culture, your language, our community and our religious practice.    Some people claim a given birth names and some claim a chosen name. 

Chosen names are more common than ever in our society today and need to be recognized.  It is especially important to those within the gender expansive and transgender community.   Honoring someone's chosen name and pronouns is a practice.   The following are some definitions, intentional language, and a practice: 

Dead name: the birth name of a transgender person who has changed their name as part of their gender transition. 

Deadnaming: is the act of referring to a transgender or non-binary person by a name (including pronouns) that they used before transitioning, such as their given birth name. Done intentionally,  deadnaming is a way to invalidate or mock someone's gender identity and expression. Schools are just beginning to identify deadnaming as a form of harassment.   

Often though, deadnaming it’s unintentional.  Tip: when someone corrects you with their chosen name say,  ‘thank you’ not ‘I’m’ sorry', then try again using the chosen name.

Names are important. We all have a name.  Imagine if a dining table had place cards with just the labels that are given to people. A place card for immigrant, or outsider, or homeless, or youth or uncircumcised, or someone’s dead name.

Learning, knowing, understanding and calling someone by their name, including cultural names that are hard to pronounce (such as in Unhei's story,) and using chosen names not dead names, are what demolishes barriers between us and creates an expansive table to make room for diverse backgrounds, cultures, the sharing of meaningful foods, vulnerable stories, laughter, and ultimately intimate and trusting connections.    

Unhei (Yoon-Hey)  Unhei learns the significance of her name from her mother and the friendly Korean grocer in her neighborhood. Her name, which means “graceful” in Korean, was chosen for her by a name master sought out by her mother and grandmother.   And 'Chingu'...in Korean means friend. 

The Name Jar, author and illustrator, Yangsook Choi, Dragonfly Books, 2003 

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